Let's start with a little back story. 2011 was a hell of a year. What's that? It was a hell of a year for you, too? I was pretty sure I wasn't the only one. In fact, 2011 was one of the most challenging, most manic years of my life. I can't help but notice how long it has been since I have made a post here. But I have several things to share now so let's get started.
I have a job that requires me to be on call after hours/weekends a good deal of the time. This means that I sleep with the phone next to my head. After a particularly busy night (with work related calls) I fell asleep. Around 12:15 I got a call but didn't answer it. Didn't recognize the number and was sure I must have been dreaming anyway. A moment later I heard the signal that I had a voice-mail. I tried to wake my brain up enough to make sense of it but couldn't. I convinced myself that it was a wrong number or worse a prank call, and went back to sleep. A few minutes later I heard my phone beep a couple of times and CERTAIN that I was dreaming this time. I remember having images and even dialogue in my mind of picking up the phone and having all of these thoughts and opinions about the message I had received, etc.
Of course, this was all a dream. Or was it? I awoke very early only to find that I had missed two text messages from a man whom I thought had completely vanished from my life. I could have punched myself in the mouth for not having checked that message then and there. I replied, didn't get an answer so I went back to bed.
The next morning at work, I was going over the evening's events with my boss when suddenly I gasped. I remember the "prank call" from the night before. I played the message for her and Uh Oh, it was not a prank call. She knew exactly who it was and it was important. Unfortunately for our mystery caller, I had no idea who he was because he didn't tell me his name. And...I still haven't received a reply from my invisible would be suitor. Crushing.
Last night I awoke suddenly from a dream about a friend of mine-- a friend with whom I have had discussions about dreams. (He had a really fascinating one to tell me recently but I won't share it here because it isn't my story to tell.) I opened my eyes with a vivid image of my dog "Doc" in my head. October of 2010, I had to euthanize Doc due to a major health issue. But I saw his face, his droopy sad beagle basset face, the same face from the photo I keep on the fridge. Then I saw his face at the moment of his death, that moment when he looked at me with a sense of relief--he was thanking me for ending his pain. I cannot tell you why I dreamed that last night but I can tell you that the emotions attached to that moment were still powerful enough to draw tears.
Over the last few months I have been up to my hairline in personal battles. I mean, I am practically the star of my own Lifetime movie about a woman who overcomes...all kinds of crap--minus the cheesy dialogue. I must have a really crappy agent though because I haven't earned a nickel for the rights to my own exhausting story yet.
But something happened today, I took giant step forward. So even though my life is full of challenges I'd rather not have, there is hope; things are finally looking up. I still miss you, Doc. If "he" never responds to me, then I will always wonder. But amidst this stage in my life that is fraught with bad luck, raw deals and freak accidents, my life has taken me on an unexpected journey. I have found a new life outside of my old one. Yeah, sometimes it's really, really difficult but it's also my blessing.
