Handsome Stranger

The last couple of weeks I have been experiencing some health issues- too serious to be called minor but not serious enough to be called major. And in this time, when I have managed to sleep at all, I have had some wild dreams. I am certain these dreams are the results of whacked out body chemistry, stress and heightened emotional states.


This morning as I waited at the school bus stop, or rather, propped myself up trying not to die, my lovely neighbor approached me and promptly went into action. She got my daughter onto the bus for me and offered help, support and advice. Needless to say she was the freshest face in my mind as I went back to sleep not long after that (and barfing for the 5th time this morning.) So, it's no surprise that I had a dream about her. 


In my dream, she had asked me to come house-sit for her. I can't remember the reason she said she'd be away but it was only for a short time so I thought it was odd that she even needed a house-sitter. But, I owed her big time for all of her help and gladly accepted the job. As I made my way around the house putting away odds and ends and just keeping myself busy, I looked at the clock and noticed it was getting really late and I hadn't heard from her or her husband. I sat down at the kitchen table to have a snack and use the laptop. That's when 2 young men broke into the house. One was large and scary but oddly attractive. He went straight into the kitchen as if he had a specific destination in there. The other one was quite pretty- young, tall, tan with brown hair and brown eyes in a red sports jersey. He smiled brightly and told me not to be scared but I had to leave. They were in the middle of some kind criminal transaction and they needed me to please wait outside. Then he picked me up and carried me outside and deposited me on the front stoop like a child who'd wandered into the wrong place. Instead of calling the police or even returning the house, I walked to a neighbor’s house. There I found my friend. I couldn't understand what she was doing there when I was at her house- which was currently being ceased and possibly robbed! I woke up more confused than ever. 


The lesson: Honestly---I think this is fear and insecurity but in an odd disguise. Someone breaking into the house that wasn't even mine was quite scary but the fact that I found the man to be so physically attractive, strong and polite seemed to take the edge off of my fear. That translates into: even though something really scary is happening with my health right now, relief and support are coming from the most unexpected places. And the people and things who might seem to want to harm me really are really just looking out for me.

Don't Call It a Comeback

I have been absent for some time. Oops!

It's time I got back to this, isn't it?

I recently returned to work and immediately fell behind on everything. Don't even get me started on laundry!

However, I have once again begun to have vivid dreams which need to be shared here. 

Starting tomorrow, hopefully, we will get back into the routine. 

Today, however, the biggest issue on my mind is how the school managed to lose my child yesterday. We found her 3 hours later at a neighbor's house. But the system failed miserably and therefore endangered my child. This cannot stand. Not knowing where your child is is a living nightmare. 

Again, for the zero to three followers I might have here, sorry for the 2 month hiatus but we are once again open for business here on my blog. I very much need a place to catalog my thoughts and ramblings so that some order can be brought to them. 

In or Out, Up or Down

4/28/10

In my dream I was in an office building and my dog Ruby was with me. She was playing with a little boy. Then it was later and we were walking by an open elevator when Ruby spotted that little boy and ran inside the elevator. I yelled for her to come back. Suddenly the elevator started to move while the doors were still open. Ruby got scared and jumped out. Then as the elevator was lowering, doors still open, Ruby ran back and jumped onto the top of the car’s lowering device. I screamed for her to come back, for someone to stop the elevator. I saw the fire alarm lever but hesitated to use it. I distinctly remember feeling frustrated, helpless and indecisive. After several seconds I broke the glass and pulled the lever but nothing happened. 

I turned and went into the nearest office. The lady at the desk was doing something with a tray of cheese, dip and crackers. I yelled that I needed her to please call security, etc. She looked at me—irritated and said I needed to just hang on a second. By this point I had grown terribly frightened and flustered. I knocked the cheese tray off of her desk. As I grabbed for her phone I heard screams come from behind me. I knew that Ruby was dead. I ran back to the elevator, and the people there were all splattered with blood and blood was dripping into the elevator from above. 

Then, for some reason, I see the mortician’s office and a body on the table being examined. He and his assistant are discussing what happened to Ruby. Then I see the little boy who had been playing with Ruby walking around outside. The whole scene felt very weird. 

Before this nightmarish scene, I dreamed I was sending people in and out of doors to face some trauma from their pasts. This is of course from watching “Being Erica”. I noticed that, again, a certain person was present in my dream but I don’t know specifically why that person was there. Just remember seeing a distinctly identifying article of clothing as this person was walking (with obvious trepidation) through a door. Then, for some reason, I had to go through  a door—either to fetch someone or to face my own fear, etc. And whatever I saw there upset me so very much that it woke me up. 

Lesson: Even when the players or plots of a dream are built upon the day’s stimuli, the message will most likely be something from deep within ourselves.

Up, up and away!

Early this afternoon in the car with my daughter and husband the subject of airplanes and helicopters came up and I suddenly remembered what I’d dreamed last night. For some reason I was preparing to go on my first helicopter ride. I was pretty excited although I don’t remember the reason for the ride, I do remember the pilot was a little annoyed with my enthusiasm, as if it wasn’t merited. But when I got inside the helicopter it wasn’t a helicopter at all but a posh, private jet. However, instead of being excited I was disappointed that I had been gypped out of my helicopter ride. 

Lesson: Even in dreamland we can find some way to be disappointed with our circumstances.

Through the Looking Glass

Last night I dreamed that I was in a place (some sort of large room) with Stefan and Damon Salvatore. You might know them as the sexy blood-drinking brothers from The Vampire Diaries Series. In this room was a large pane of glass (easily ten feet tall and six feet wide) with beveled edges. Damon and Stefan used this glass device to transport from place to place (like the magical wardrobe from the C.S. Lewis books.) 

In this particular moment, I was a mortal who was helping the brothers track down some individual. I came into the room to tell them that the person they were looking for was in location 'X' but I didn't know how they could manage to get in there. Damon made some snarky comment about how little I knew about anything to which Stefan politely pointed to this magical piece of glass and how it worked. I watched as the brothers, one at a time, put their hands on the glass and in a flash of light transported through it to another place. 

Soon Stefan returned to get something or to ask something of me. Somehow when he was ready to transport out of the room again, I was accidentally pinned between his body and the glass. I remember the very real sensation of feeling my hand up to my elbow pressed against the cold, hard glass and the terror I felt as I was magically transported with him through the glass. We arrived in another room. Instantly I sensed that I was somehow transformed. Damon was yelling at Stefan about how I couldn't be here and did his brother know what he had done? Now I was in a strange white, flowing gown (think the scene from Moonlight where Mick killed Coraline.) I flew up to the ceiling and looked down at the brothers while they argued. (At this point I was very much outside of myself watching the scene.) Coming through the glass with them had somehow turned me into a vampire. Eventually I came down off of the ceiling. Stefan calmly explained to me that I needed to go back in order to save myself, and that when I returned through the glass to the other side, I would be my regular mortal self again. Only problem was I did not want to go back.

I woke up and discovered that my arm was pinned beneath my body in an unnatural position and had fallen asleep. Somehow my brain translated cut-off circulation to my arm into being transported through a magical vampire window. 


Lesson: The simple problem of my arm being "asleep" triggered this amazingly vivid dream that I won't soon forget. Way to go, brain!

Sweat Dreams

Ever wake up from a dream soaked in sweat? What's that all about?

That happened to me the other night. I was having a really intense dream about a friend of mine who had found me a job. But it was some awful job and I didn't want to do it. I'm not even sure I was qualified to do it. I remember her being excited for me but at the same time she didn't want me to let her down, as if she'd pulled some strings to get the job for me. I remember her grabbing me by the shoulders and shuffling me off to some room and saying something like "Show time! Go, go GO!" And then I woke up in a sweat, all fearful and apprehensive. (Do those words mean the same thing? Hmmmm)

Of course I have been out of work for some time now and I have a group of lovely people around me throwing jobs leads my way any time they can. And now more than ever my fear of never, ever having a job again for the rest of my life is (at times) my number one fear, almost to the point of phobia. Almost as bad as my very real dissatisfaction over my situation is my fear that I will get a job and it will only make my life worse. 

Lesson: Maybe you can spend the whole day telling yourself not to sweat the small stuff but once you are asleep, your subconscious takes over and all bets are off.

Update

Had a death in the family and haven't been able to write anything lately. I have had lots of intense dreams, though. I set out to do this dream diary for myself and so far it's not going so well. But I am determined to keep it going. As soon as I have my mind back together I will pick up where I left off.

Please Don't Let It Be

Dreamed a lot last night and this morning. I know this because I woke up too many times to go to the bathroom and each time I quickly bounced over the leftover images in my brain. Of all that I dreamed, one "episode" sticks out the most. 

Where I live, we recently had a snow storm and have been snowed in for several days, so much that even my husband has been home from work. In my dream we woke up at some point to the phone ringing. He talked to whomever was calling then said to me, "Well, might as well go back to bed. Work's been called off for a month. Nothing we can do about it." What followed was sheer panic. They can't do that! How can they do that? How will we pay our bills? How will we live?

Needless to say this dream is the product of a worried and fearful mind. 

Lesson: If ever a dream might come true, please don't let it be this one.

Dreams Imitating Art Imitating Life?

This is a dream that I had April of last year and it was so "out there" that I typed it up and sent if off to a friend.

I was at the airport in either Toronto or Vancouver, or rather I was at the departure going to one of those cities. And I was so excited because they were remaking Dirty Dancing and I had gotten a part. And I couldn't wait to see Patrick (again, perhaps) because (in my dream) I had had a small part in the original. But the part that I had landed this time was a larger, more important speaking part. (But the size of it hardly mattered. It was like the most important moment in my life to get to go film this scene!) At the airport though, it turns out that I didn't have a passport to get into Canada--- because I neglected to check on that. I kept telling everyone, "I have a speaking role, it's a really important part! I HAVE TO BE THERE!" And I was told to visit the immigration office and apply for a temporary work visa or visitor’s visa. I said that I'd do that, and I was rushing around the airport, desperate not to miss my opportunity of a LIFETIME. And then I saw Patrick's step-brother: Kenny (OK--probably no one will get that inside joke. I will try and explain. There was an interview a while back with Jeffrey Dean Morgan on Jimmy Kimmel. In it, Jeff mentioned something to Jimmy about how his step-brother Kenny was handy or something, to which Jimmy replied, "Who knew that having a step-brother named Kenny could be such a good thing?" Of course, I doubt Patrick Swayze has a step-brother named Kenny.) Anyway, "Kenny" was a skycap or some other airport personnel- but he looked like a Patrick Look-alike, but leathery tan, and wearing a navy blue suit (and he looked more like a bell-hop). But evidently I knew him. We hugged and had a moment. I told him my troubles. He said that it could take months to get a visa. I asked him if there was some way he could get me through customs. He said the only thing I could do was go home and look for my passport, or, wink wink, somebody else's passport. After that there was a lot of confusion, and me feeling doomed, etc for missing my "big chance." Of course, I have experienced this kind of thing before (college and my mom) so I remember the feeling all too well. However, why I thought I was going to be in DD with Patrick (the hot Patrick of the 90s) I haven't a clue. It was pretty darned special though.


Lesson: It's a good thing I am someone who likes to write down stuff (for occasions like these when the previously written thing is all I have to share.)

Making Sense of (some of ) It

So I took a day off—maybe it was 2. Who's counting? If someone is counting it would imply that someone is reading. Yay, I have a fan. Yeah, right. Moving right along...

In my brain I have a collection of several dreams from the last few days, and now they have all begun to run together.

There was a man who won a little scooter (like a souped-up Vespa) as a prize. It was cool looking but not really my style. Each time he got on the little bike, it seemed that he would shrink a little until finally he was a midget. Then he left the bike there and I began to look at it. The closer I looked it, it wasn't so great. Pieces were missing. I tried to sit on it but there was no place to rest my feet except directly on the ground. Then the scooter began to systematically dismantle: the back tire disappeared then the backend, the handle bars disappeared until I was sitting on a piece of shiny gold plastic and resting my knees in the mud, getting stains on my favorite pair of jeans. There must be all manner of symbolism and metaphors in there but we'll save them for later.

I also dreamed that I accidentally witnessed something over a webcam that I wished I had not. (I got a new webcam for Christmas and I have been dying to use it but haven't had occasion to yet.) I was in yahoo chat with a friend when another friend popped on and it was a huge surprise because we haven't IM'd in several years. Suddenly there are these images of some really sleazy looking fellow with long stringy hair and a messy goatee. He looked like the kind of guy who snatches little girls off the street and shoves them into vans. Anyway, while I was sitting there waiting for my friend to explain who this person was, her webcam goes live and I see the undressed upper part of her body and this creepy guy climbing on top of her. I couldn't figure out why she was with this guy much less why she appeared to be a willing participant. But mostly I couldn't figure out why I had the misfortune of having to view it. I kept yelling and typing, "Hey! Your camera is on!" But eventually I just shut the thing down. I woke up immediately. I really do want to use my new webcam but that's not at all what I have in mind.

Last night's dream—well, it has already left the building. As I dreamed, I told myself to remember this one because it was important. All I can remember now is something about a hotel—that detail seemed very important. Maybe I just need to get away. Hello, Room Service? The rest of it was a mishmash of images from the crappy movie I watched last night.

Oh God! Sitting here typing this, I just remembered! There was a millipede/snake creature that was gray and it kept striking at my ankles. When I escaped from the room, some sort of creepy basement, I sent someone in there to find and kill it. He (whoever he was) said that there was no snake just some harmless bug. I told him that I was sure it was a snake because it made a horrible hissing noise and kept trying to bite me. Then they made me go back into the room and it came out again. It moved so fast and kept going for my ankles. I was stuck in this dank little room with no help and no escape. I was so scared.

Now, onto symbolism...The closer I look at the (once) bright and shiny things in my life, the more I see all of the flaws and weaknesses these things possess. They are not the amazing prizes and gifts that I once thought they were, just one more crappy thing I have been stuck with and forced to deal with and too often, with no help to shoulder the burden. I have no place to rest my feet, now I am tired and stuck in the mud up to my knees. There's your damn symbolism.

But wait! There's more!

The creepy webcam images—wow...just goes to show what I think of some people, I guess, and yet, somehow, it still makes me shake my head in wonder. And of course the idea that someone can be attracted to the most undesirable characters and want to do naughty things with them on camera while their friend is forced to watch until she can figure out how to disconnect. 

Disconnect—there is some more symbolism that probably doesn't need much more explanation but hey, I am in a chatty mood today. Over the last couple of months I have  experienced some "things" and I have learned that to protect myself I must make the conscious choice to disconnect from all of the over-sharing and high expectations of these relationships if I am to survive. This week I told myself how proud I was of me for managing to disconnect a bit from certain things and not allow myself to fixate because doing so is wasteful and unproductive. (We'll see how long it lasts.)

Lastly, I am going to attempt to make sense of the creature attacking my ankles, or rather, I am going to try and figure out what the creature represents. Hmm...the list is so long. It represents life. Ehn, too broad, too vague. Let's cut the crap, shall we? It represents my anxiety over my current state of affairs.

Lesson: I am feeling frightened and confused. I am trying to reach out and trying to be reached. But in the end, I still feel that I am not being heard and my fears continue to bite my (gorgeous) ankles.

I Can't Do This Tonight.

I have decided that on the days when I have no entry to make because I can't remember my dreams or because I dreamed something too private to share here that I will share dreams from last year's hand written journal.  So, tomorrow should be something really juicy ;)

Lesson: We all need a freebie day once and a while.

A Bit Unsettling

I watched a documentary last spring about dreams. In it, people recounted their dreams, experts explained the science of sleep and dreams, and by the time it was over I was feeling informed and doubly fascinated. It seems that the average person's dreams often follow a pattern. You are somewhere, you aren't sure how you got there. Maybe you are seeing familiar places and faces, maybe you are seeing places and people who aren't familiar but your dreaming mind tells you that they are. Sometimes dreams are strange and comical but then as certain areas of the brain become stimulated during the sleep cycle, the average person's dream often take on intense overtones: violence, fear and sexual themes. If you are someone who remembers their dreams, take a moment and think about this. The last dream you remember probably started out normal- a recap of your day, harmless scenes playing out like a movie. Suddenly things will begin to change-- a situation becomes sexually charged, or you begin to experience deep fear, or someone around you (or even you) will become violent. And then, you wake up.

Last night I was dreaming about some mundane thing when suddenly I was sitting in my car, parked at night with the windows slightly cracked. A couple of boys from the neighborhood (one I recognized, the other I didn't) came up to my car. My initial thoughts were "What in the world is he doing out here at  night by himself?" Then the kid I didn't know began to harass me and I became apprehensive. I rolled up the windows and locked the doors and thought it was a little absurd that I felt the need to protect myself from a kid who couldn't be more than 10 years old. He told me that he was going to steal various items from me that he knew I had in the car, that he was going to throw rocks at the windows and break them, that I couldn't keep him out. The little boy I know wasn't really going along with it, but he wasn't protesting either. Eventually I talked him into going away. Then I got out of the car and walked over a nearby building, I think it was a restaurant. As I got to the door it opened and his mother came out. I said that there was something I had to tell her that was going to upset her but she needed to know her son was out at night with this other kid and they were harassing  me. I remember being very afraid at how the mother would react to me; I was afraid that she would be angry at me. Then I woke up.

This is not the scariest or most intense dream I have ever had, not by a long shot but it is an example of how at the end of the sleep cycle a harmless dream can turn into a psychological thriller or a steamy love story. Next time I will opt for the steam.

Lesson: Analyzing and ultimately understanding something that frightens or disturbs us usually disarms it.

Nothing Epic

After getting only 3 hours of sleep the previous night, I had no trouble sleeping last night. In fact, a good deal of yesterday is a haze. Good thing I am not a surgeon. I dreamed a LOT last night but only one thing in particular stands out in my mind—I dreamed again of someone whom I am missing. I remember odd details about her appearance (odd only to me, I suppose) like her hairstyle and her accessories. I also remember her laughing at some point and she had what could only be described as an evil laugh. More strangeness. If only I could remember why she was laughing. That would be something. To be honest, I do remember feeling like she was laughing at me, or I was disturbed by whatever it was she laughing at, like it was somehow inappropriate.

My daughter woke me up during the night because she'd had a nightmare. She wanted to tell me about it right then but I was so very tired. When I went into her room this morning, the first thing she asked was, "Can I tell you about my dream now?"

As I am sitting here writing this, more tidbits from last night's dreams are emerging but none of them are relevant or interesting. Wow, this whole dream blog must be pretty boring for the less than 5 people who have bothered to read it. I swear, when I decided to do this, I was having bizarre, even entertaining dreams on a regular basis. Now, I've got nothin'. My subconscious must be having some performance anxiety.

Lesson: Even sleep deprivation is no guarantee that I will have larger-than-life dreams.

More Than Meets the Eye

You guessed it-- I dreamed of Transformers last night! Not the movie, the toys. Was at a friend's house yesterday and her sons were jazzed to show me the new transforming gadgets they'd gotten for Christmas. I may have dreamed more, not sure...but to be fair, I only got 3 hours of sleep last night.

Lesson: next time I wake up at 1:30 in the morning, I am hitting the Nyquil bottle and heading back to bed (instead of lying on the couch contemplating life, the universe and all that.)

Yikes! I Almost Forgot!

Not only can I not remember what I dreamed last night (no matter how much I try) I almost forgot to do this one thing I vowed to do everyday. Yeesh.
Lesson: it's only January 3rd. {rolls eyes}

Not Sure What To Think About This

It took all day for me to remember what I dreamed last night. Okay, maybe the loads of alcohol I consumed before bed had something to do with my fuzzy memory. Moving right along, I can only remember two things, two small snippets. 1. Someone was trying to break into some building to steal the diamonds that were there. Haven't a clue where that came from but... 2. Last night when I was out my with my friend at the pub, a young guy, not bad looking (a bit skinny with a super nice smile) hit on me a little. Immediately I mentioned that I was married. Two seconds later he told me to have a good night and left. In my dream he was there hitting on me but every time he opened his mouth I recoiled because his teeth were hideous.

Conversely, I had a dream a few weeks ago about a friend that was quite disturbing. I keep meaning to tell this friend about her shocking role in my dream but have not yet had the opportunity. My memory of this dream is so strong that even now I can close my eyes and see what she did. It's been weeks and still I have no trouble recalling the images.

The lesson: why is it that some mornings we cannot grab onto the memory of the dream no matter how hard we try, and other dreams stick with us for weeks, months of even years- as easy to recall as an actual life experience? I don't know but maybe there is a scientist out there who does. I feel some research coming on.

Not the first entry I'd envisioned

With all the things that were on my mind when I went to bed last night, I expected to have profound or at least troubling dreams. But no. My dreams were downright silly. Somewhere in the back of my mind I was laughing at the scenes as they unfolded.

I can't relay all of it because I can't remember how it started. But the first thing I remember was watching a spoof movie about 80s pop-culture and Michael Jackson that starred several current A-List actors...including Adrien Brody (in a strange white punk rock wig and a purple and black jacket) dancing and singing. It was absurd, really.  I woke up for a bit then went back to sleep. Later I continued to dream of silly movies. The next was a remake of old movies from the 40s and 50s but they were more like spoofs. The last thing I remember was something with Ryan O'Neill piloting an airplane and someone jumping out of it on a snowboard. The dream ended with 2 women doing a song and dance performance to something called "Warm" which was sort of a nod to the song "Snow" from "White Christmas." It was all pretty silly, I know, but the blonde lady was wearing the prettiest necklace of red and purple beads.

On one hand it makes me laugh, on the other hand I am disappointed that I didn't dream about the things that are currently troubling me because I had hoped that my mind would lead me to a solution or some kind of resolution. Maybe tomorrow night.

The lesson: even my sleeping brain has a strange sense of humor.