Making Sense of (some of ) It

So I took a day off—maybe it was 2. Who's counting? If someone is counting it would imply that someone is reading. Yay, I have a fan. Yeah, right. Moving right along...

In my brain I have a collection of several dreams from the last few days, and now they have all begun to run together.

There was a man who won a little scooter (like a souped-up Vespa) as a prize. It was cool looking but not really my style. Each time he got on the little bike, it seemed that he would shrink a little until finally he was a midget. Then he left the bike there and I began to look at it. The closer I looked it, it wasn't so great. Pieces were missing. I tried to sit on it but there was no place to rest my feet except directly on the ground. Then the scooter began to systematically dismantle: the back tire disappeared then the backend, the handle bars disappeared until I was sitting on a piece of shiny gold plastic and resting my knees in the mud, getting stains on my favorite pair of jeans. There must be all manner of symbolism and metaphors in there but we'll save them for later.

I also dreamed that I accidentally witnessed something over a webcam that I wished I had not. (I got a new webcam for Christmas and I have been dying to use it but haven't had occasion to yet.) I was in yahoo chat with a friend when another friend popped on and it was a huge surprise because we haven't IM'd in several years. Suddenly there are these images of some really sleazy looking fellow with long stringy hair and a messy goatee. He looked like the kind of guy who snatches little girls off the street and shoves them into vans. Anyway, while I was sitting there waiting for my friend to explain who this person was, her webcam goes live and I see the undressed upper part of her body and this creepy guy climbing on top of her. I couldn't figure out why she was with this guy much less why she appeared to be a willing participant. But mostly I couldn't figure out why I had the misfortune of having to view it. I kept yelling and typing, "Hey! Your camera is on!" But eventually I just shut the thing down. I woke up immediately. I really do want to use my new webcam but that's not at all what I have in mind.

Last night's dream—well, it has already left the building. As I dreamed, I told myself to remember this one because it was important. All I can remember now is something about a hotel—that detail seemed very important. Maybe I just need to get away. Hello, Room Service? The rest of it was a mishmash of images from the crappy movie I watched last night.

Oh God! Sitting here typing this, I just remembered! There was a millipede/snake creature that was gray and it kept striking at my ankles. When I escaped from the room, some sort of creepy basement, I sent someone in there to find and kill it. He (whoever he was) said that there was no snake just some harmless bug. I told him that I was sure it was a snake because it made a horrible hissing noise and kept trying to bite me. Then they made me go back into the room and it came out again. It moved so fast and kept going for my ankles. I was stuck in this dank little room with no help and no escape. I was so scared.

Now, onto symbolism...The closer I look at the (once) bright and shiny things in my life, the more I see all of the flaws and weaknesses these things possess. They are not the amazing prizes and gifts that I once thought they were, just one more crappy thing I have been stuck with and forced to deal with and too often, with no help to shoulder the burden. I have no place to rest my feet, now I am tired and stuck in the mud up to my knees. There's your damn symbolism.

But wait! There's more!

The creepy webcam images—wow...just goes to show what I think of some people, I guess, and yet, somehow, it still makes me shake my head in wonder. And of course the idea that someone can be attracted to the most undesirable characters and want to do naughty things with them on camera while their friend is forced to watch until she can figure out how to disconnect. 

Disconnect—there is some more symbolism that probably doesn't need much more explanation but hey, I am in a chatty mood today. Over the last couple of months I have  experienced some "things" and I have learned that to protect myself I must make the conscious choice to disconnect from all of the over-sharing and high expectations of these relationships if I am to survive. This week I told myself how proud I was of me for managing to disconnect a bit from certain things and not allow myself to fixate because doing so is wasteful and unproductive. (We'll see how long it lasts.)

Lastly, I am going to attempt to make sense of the creature attacking my ankles, or rather, I am going to try and figure out what the creature represents. Hmm...the list is so long. It represents life. Ehn, too broad, too vague. Let's cut the crap, shall we? It represents my anxiety over my current state of affairs.

Lesson: I am feeling frightened and confused. I am trying to reach out and trying to be reached. But in the end, I still feel that I am not being heard and my fears continue to bite my (gorgeous) ankles.